Remembering Rika

[imomus]

Two years ago today, Rika Hirata, my best friend when I lived in New York, committed suicide.



I don't really want to talk in detail about the circumstances of Rika's death here. I'll just say that it happened because she had a severe bipolar condition, and went through a series of misfortunes, and wasn't supported as she should have been by the people around her. Rika should still be here, and for me she is still here. Shortly before she died she told me 'I will always be with you'. She was right. But that doesn't stop me missing her.

The photo shows Rika eating dumplings with me at our favourite cafe, the Dumpling Inn on Eldridge Street, New York, February 3rd, 2001.

Comments

[joopy.livejournal.com]

I remember this. I'm sorry it had to happen.

[tailchaser.livejournal.com]

how tragic. i am so sorry.
at least she still lives on in the people who knew her.

[4minutes33-2nds.livejournal.com]

radiance.

the friends that went missing

[rroland.livejournal.com]

nick,

i remember the night in portland when you were so withdrawn, when Rika had her first close brush, and you were so far away. i didn't understand at the time, i'm sure you were communing with her, and if only you could of been there instead of the friends she had in NYC that went missing. there is no way to make something out of this except to compose as you have done a beautiful piece and absorb the depth of beingness of loss into your being. carry on young nick.

[ex-ebb439.livejournal.com]

My sister suffers from bipolar dsiorder so I can truly empathize. I am so sorry about your loss. You've posted such a beautiful picture.

[lord-whimsy.livejournal.com]

Next time we're in the city, we'll stop by that dumpling house and raise a glass of tea in her honor. My sincerest condolences.

W

[darthhellokitty.livejournal.com]

She was a lovely person, and clearly a good friend to you. I'm glad you have her memory with you forever.

[turkishb.livejournal.com]

I remember when my schizophrenic friend first attempted suicide.

At the time she was undiagnosed, and people assumed she was only bipolar. I guess I saw the symptomology, but couldn't believe it. It's so hard to talk to her.

People think it would be easy to talk a schizophrenic out of a delusion. They think it's something cartoonish that can be dismissed with reason, but it's something much more subversive. She sees the worlds with patterns and has premonitions. She worries about armageddon, eugenics, psychopathic killers, and what can I say to her -- those things are in my world, too.

People assume it's easy to talk a person out of suicide, as well. As if it were merely a matter of reaffirming their worth, but it goes so much deeper. You have to reaffirm their entire spiritual understanding of the cosmos. I look back with a great deal of sadness and shame in my own inability to understand just how deep that rabbit hole goes.

We're still best friends, and she's finally recieving some treatment but mostly I continue to feel utterly helpless. She sees the world that contains just as much agony as mine but feels it twice as strong. It's not the world that is destroying her, but her imploding.

Even the most intelligent, loving, and wonderful friends can be dumbstruck at such a weight. I hope I don't sound as if I am trying to understand your situation, when I know I can't. I guess I'd just like to express that the immovable silence of that kind of loss... well, many more than you think sympathize deeply. And that I hope those you blame for her death deserve such a judgement...

[imomus.livejournal.com]

I feel very mixed feelings on the question of blame. I think bipolar episodes can be triggered by external events, but they don't 'result' from them in quite the way we'd expect, and therefore it's hard to blame the people who seem to be the triggers. Bipolar people are looking for 'objective correlatives' for their own sense of despair, or guilt, or pointlessness. They can choose people pretty much at random for this. That said, once you become closely involved with a bipolar, and know about her condition -- and here I'm talking about a husband, or a doctor, for instance -- you do have responsibilities which go quite far beyond the normal ones. You cannot just walk away with a shrug when the going gets rough, or discharge the patient because she can't pay her medical bills any more.

[turkishb.livejournal.com]

That's absolutely true. I've been lucky enough in my own medical problems to have a very supportive doctor, family, and therapist.

If her doctor left her for lack of payment... well, that's an injustice, to say the least. There were times during my parents seperation where we didn't have the money to pay some of my bills, but yet my therapist kept treating me. It's hard to feel thankful enough when you consider the reality for others...

And if her husband was remiss, Christ, there aren't really words for the disgust in such indifference. It's bizarre to me how some people can have such a sense of self-entitlement that not even suffering from those nearest can shake them out of it. I've known people like that.

[hyman.livejournal.com]

"Bipolar people are looking for 'objective correlatives' for their own sense of despair, or guilt, or pointlessness. They can choose people pretty much at random for this."

Can you explain the term 'objective correlatives'? My psychiatrist suspects that I am bipolar, but the only source of information I have about the condition is from a book my mom that deals with the childhood form of the disorder and is geared mostly towards parents. I don't think that I fit the book's description (I suspect that I am either not objective or that it might manifest differently in very young children, hence a book about the disorder in childhood), but what you described here sounds very familiar. Could you point me somewhere that would explain in more detail what you meant?

[sparkligbeatnic.livejournal.com]

I remember this too, so Rika is now part of the lives of people she never met,
and a reminder that even small kindnesses or help at the right time can be of critical importance.

[rougeforever.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm glad she's still with you.

[aidaho.livejournal.com]

i'm sorry. 2 friends of mine committed suicide nearly a year ago. it's a strange thing.

[scottmorrison.livejournal.com]

Condolences. There's nothing more to say, you have my sympathies.

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

You have my sympathies.

[honeychurch.livejournal.com]

I'm lucky not to be bipolar - I have clinical depression only, for which I am medicated (I'm lucky to have insurance and a prescription plan now, too) - but I remember what it was like before I was medicated and before I got help - it was bad, and I alienated all but those closest to me (my roommates at the time asked me not to live with them another year, and my relationship with a man whom I loved very, very much deteriorated and never recovered) - it was only because of those friends who tried to understand, as I'm sure you did for Rika, that I made it to when I could get therapy and medication. While things proved too much for her, I'm sure she was glad that she had you in her life, and, yes, she will always be with you.

But memory still hurts, so I'm sorry for your unhappy anniversary.

[biseinen.livejournal.com]

I remember feeling so sad as I read of her death and your sorrow, and I, wondering just how devastating that would've been for you. Tragically enough, just a month later, I found Richard, my lover, (whom I had briefly introduced you to at your Brooklyn's "Warsaw" gig) dead to heart failure. The first time I ever dealed with death at such personal level. Also, my sister suffers from bipolar desorder so I couldn't possibly empathize more. Extrange how I never met Rika but can't help linking both events, thus I'm convinced her memory is indelible in me too.
You have my sympathy Nick.

[(Anonymous)]

How sickening that you casually blame Rika's death on her friends. After one of her many suicidal episodes, I remember asking you, Nick, for help. You were dismissive. I will always remember your arrogance and hostility towards me at a time when Rika could truly have used your help.

That said, I do not believe anyone or anything could have saved her. She had more agency than you credit her for. She had spent her adult life practicing suicide, and when the time came, she was thorough in making sure she got the job done. I do not believe, either, that she was bipolar. I think the best diagnosis might have been borderline personality disorder.

Rika was an artist and amazing and i miss her all the time

[(Anonymous)]

Rika was an artist and amazing and i miss her all the time. I just googled her because now, many years after we graduated together from art school, I saw some of her art in my mind as I was falling asleep. She was brilliant with ideas and materials. She was many times more innovative and risk-taking than most of our "classmates" I wish very much that she had not wanted to die. I wish she was here to meet my daughter and see the art I have made and go thrift shopping with me. I had a dream once that I went to our old studios at school to find all her things that were left behind. I found a crocheted drop of blood that fit in my palm that was stuffed with cotton.

i miss her too.

Re: Rika was an artist and amazing and i miss her all the time

[imomus.livejournal.com]

Thanks for that appreciation, and your dream of Rika. She's living on in those of us who knew and loved her.