David Bowie turns nasty

[imomus]

For boomers of a certain vintage -- people who were teenagers in the 1970s -- David Bowie has so infiltrated our idea of what it means to be a successful human being that we look into the mirror every morning only to feel a surge of disappointment that it isn't his extra-terrestrially intelligent and beautiful face staring back at us. (Some of us wouldn't mind his back catalogue, his gorgeous wife, or his heaps of money either.)



For those of us who feel this way, Bowie's cameo appearance last week on Ricky Gervais' UK comedy series Extras was particularly poignant. We've already noted on Click Opera how the young Gervais tweaked his eyebrows into suspiciously Bowiesque shapes as the singer in big-in-Manilla 80s pop sensation Seona Dancing. Like everyone from my own peer group of Scottish musicians (Paul Haig, Paul Quinn, Edwyn Collins, Roddy Frame, Billy McKenzie), Gervais was part of Generation Bowie. And one thing I'm sure we all share is a recurrent dream in which we meet our idol.

Bowie's appearance in Extras unfolds like a dream sequence. He's sitting in a London pub (as if!) chatting up a somewhat gormless girl with anecdotes about surgery and Decca Records. Gervais has to bribe his way in, but it takes his brash girlfriend to drag him over to Bowie's table. The conversation that follows is predictably buttock-clenching, as Gervais proceeds, with typical English self-deprecation, to give a dismal account of himself as a sadly compromised comedian.

We expect Bowie to be generous, positive, encouraging and enabling -- he'll send Gervais away re-inspired. That's how he always appears in my dreams, anyway: like the most supportive parent you could imagine. Instead, the dream turns to nightmare. Grim-faced, as though incarnating Gervais' highest and most dashed aspirations for his own career, Bowie starts improvising a song. "Little fat man who sold his soul," it begins, for all the world like one of my more vicious songs from Stars Forever ("butcher, philanderer, murderer, coprophile", went poor Maf's song -- and he paid for this, just as Gervais is paying Bowie).

As the whole room joins in with ever-more-cruel suggestions, it only gets worse for Gervais:

Chubby little loser, national joke
Pathetic little fat man
The clown that no-one laughs at
They all just wish he'd die
He's so depressed at being hated
Fatso takes his own life
He blows his bloated face off...

Like an out-take from Hunky Dory, the song ends in a cathartic singalong of "See his pug-nosed face, pug pug, pug pug..." as Gervais sits, suitably ruddy and pug-nosed, strung out somewhere between utter humiliation and chuffed amazement that his hero is actually singing a song about him, no matter how crushing.

I tried to imagine what Bowie would sing about me in a similar nightmare. Out of sheer humiliation, I've put it under the cut. Sing along if you must. Bastards.



Bowie (Tentatively, to Momus's face): Presbyterian would-be, with yellowy teeth...

Momus: Sorry?

Bowie: (Turning to piano):

Presbyterian would-be
Who wants to be me
Already a has-been
WIth an eye that can't see

You're remarkably ugly
You should never leave home
And your songs are as twee
As my own "Laughing Gnome"

Bowie (Speaking): No, wait, no "Laughing Gnome" references...

(Singing again)

Remarkably ugly
Inelegant man
As twee as a Belle
And Sebastian fan

Don't give up the dayjob
Your column in Wired...

Linda: The twat'll say he's resigned the day he gets fired!

Bowie: I like that, Linda! Very good!

Momus: Yes, very good Linda, I like that too!

Bowie (Singing):

You're just a big copycat
Playing my game
But nobody likes you
You'll never have fame

And it cuts like a knife
How it's all gone so wrong
Take revenge for your life
In Presbyterian songs

Crowd: And we all sing along...

You've made a new album?
We don't give a fuck!
Want to be a contender?
You're bang out of luck!

Bowie: Perverted old wannabe
Losing the plot
Look in the mirror
I am who you're not

When I look in the mirror
At least I see me
Not a thin scruffy Scotsman
With yellowy teeth

See his yellow teeth!
(Teeth teeth, teeth teeth)
See his yellow teeth!

(Repeat to fade)

Comments

[svenskasfinx.livejournal.com]

...as a part of the "David Bowie generation" I find it odd how set appart from the "rest of us" he is, as far as the definition of the word "genius" goes, he is so much less than so many, and yet he's always projected himself, best foot forward.. so as the age and time and occasional unempressive song, or album comes along, its hard to ignore him.

He's rightfully an actor; perfect place for him as well. I feel though for as good as Bowie is, or how much I really liked him in my youth (including many reoccurring dreams from the ages 14-25, now has been demoted to the status of a security guard, giving me the wink, as if I was the only one who could possibly know who he was, where as everyone else, didn't.)

David Bowie's last most remarkable contribution to music was as a participant in the sound track for "Lost Highway", and the only reason I actually got that was not for Bowie, but rather for the four tracks by Barry Adamson...

I personally wouldn't want to know what my favourite idols would think of my foolish "worship" of them, and yet, I've been honoured by one fine moment where one, not only remembered me but said I inspired his work. All via a totally non-sexual, non-corporial relationship (at least non-corporial at first); had I been treated in the way of your nightmare, or in the way Ricky Gervais was, I don't think I could have awoke to my life in the same way the day after...and yet of course, the feelings are mixed.

There has always been a sense of irony with Bowie, for me its been ever since I saw "Labrynth"; I don't see anyone with out a sense of humour doing anything like that ever.. and yet, wasn't he so elequently costumed? No wonder I had dreams about him! But would Bowie actually be so cruel to Momus? How could he?

Its cool to look inside the paranioa of other's minds, I see it cool that you could actually share this, it does make one "cringe" thinking about it.

Funny thing is, I can't see a likeness in Bowie compared to Momus, and I say that having been a Bill Nelson fan for many years and often hearing everyone compare him to Bowie, only not as good.. (which really annoyed me) so the words of Bowie to Momus only makes me think of how many sarcastic words he may have for his contemporaries, those who came out of the same movements at the same time? Would he easily have said (even fictionally)of Bill, he was a "Bowie Wannabee"?

..."perhaps better on Guitar or Piano, but never will see/ the day you have as much money as me"
"saw Brian Ferry, on a train platform/ going first class as always, but for as big as Be Bop Deluxe was, you haven't enough money, for a first class ticket, today.."
"Brian said, "who?" and "thank you" and went along his way"

...

Funny thing, it reminds me of the Elton John, meeting Pete Shelley at the music hall of fame awards..

Elton:I'm a great fan of yours..
Pete: Really? I've got a friend who's a great fan of yours, she has an apartment in Nice, just like you..
Elton: Oh really, pardon me, *walks out of the cue as a bathroom stall has opened up*

*passes Pete, silently as he's washing his hands*

....

[butterflyrobert.livejournal.com]

David Bowie's last most remarkable contribution to music was as a participant in the sound track for "Lost Highway", and the only reason I actually got that was not for Bowie, but rather for the four tracks by Barry Adamson...

Angelo Badalmenti's tracks on that album were pretty good too. If they had replaced the Marilyn Manson and Rammstein songs with more Jobim, it would have been a great soundtrack.

[svenskasfinx.livejournal.com]

If they had replaced the Marilyn Manson and Rammstein songs with more Jobim, it would have been a great soundtrack.

Yes, I agree, the thing that kind of got me unhyped by the whole sountrack was exactly those things, and I would like to consider myself "open minded" but the Marilyn Manson just left me feeling as though the whole soundtrack was somehow defective... eventually I gave it to my ex. The Rammstein didn't bother me as much.. but still, it did ruin it for me.