David Bowie turns nasty

[imomus]

For boomers of a certain vintage -- people who were teenagers in the 1970s -- David Bowie has so infiltrated our idea of what it means to be a successful human being that we look into the mirror every morning only to feel a surge of disappointment that it isn't his extra-terrestrially intelligent and beautiful face staring back at us. (Some of us wouldn't mind his back catalogue, his gorgeous wife, or his heaps of money either.)



For those of us who feel this way, Bowie's cameo appearance last week on Ricky Gervais' UK comedy series Extras was particularly poignant. We've already noted on Click Opera how the young Gervais tweaked his eyebrows into suspiciously Bowiesque shapes as the singer in big-in-Manilla 80s pop sensation Seona Dancing. Like everyone from my own peer group of Scottish musicians (Paul Haig, Paul Quinn, Edwyn Collins, Roddy Frame, Billy McKenzie), Gervais was part of Generation Bowie. And one thing I'm sure we all share is a recurrent dream in which we meet our idol.

Bowie's appearance in Extras unfolds like a dream sequence. He's sitting in a London pub (as if!) chatting up a somewhat gormless girl with anecdotes about surgery and Decca Records. Gervais has to bribe his way in, but it takes his brash girlfriend to drag him over to Bowie's table. The conversation that follows is predictably buttock-clenching, as Gervais proceeds, with typical English self-deprecation, to give a dismal account of himself as a sadly compromised comedian.

We expect Bowie to be generous, positive, encouraging and enabling -- he'll send Gervais away re-inspired. That's how he always appears in my dreams, anyway: like the most supportive parent you could imagine. Instead, the dream turns to nightmare. Grim-faced, as though incarnating Gervais' highest and most dashed aspirations for his own career, Bowie starts improvising a song. "Little fat man who sold his soul," it begins, for all the world like one of my more vicious songs from Stars Forever ("butcher, philanderer, murderer, coprophile", went poor Maf's song -- and he paid for this, just as Gervais is paying Bowie).

As the whole room joins in with ever-more-cruel suggestions, it only gets worse for Gervais:

Chubby little loser, national joke
Pathetic little fat man
The clown that no-one laughs at
They all just wish he'd die
He's so depressed at being hated
Fatso takes his own life
He blows his bloated face off...

Like an out-take from Hunky Dory, the song ends in a cathartic singalong of "See his pug-nosed face, pug pug, pug pug..." as Gervais sits, suitably ruddy and pug-nosed, strung out somewhere between utter humiliation and chuffed amazement that his hero is actually singing a song about him, no matter how crushing.

I tried to imagine what Bowie would sing about me in a similar nightmare. Out of sheer humiliation, I've put it under the cut. Sing along if you must. Bastards.



Bowie (Tentatively, to Momus's face): Presbyterian would-be, with yellowy teeth...

Momus: Sorry?

Bowie: (Turning to piano):

Presbyterian would-be
Who wants to be me
Already a has-been
WIth an eye that can't see

You're remarkably ugly
You should never leave home
And your songs are as twee
As my own "Laughing Gnome"

Bowie (Speaking): No, wait, no "Laughing Gnome" references...

(Singing again)

Remarkably ugly
Inelegant man
As twee as a Belle
And Sebastian fan

Don't give up the dayjob
Your column in Wired...

Linda: The twat'll say he's resigned the day he gets fired!

Bowie: I like that, Linda! Very good!

Momus: Yes, very good Linda, I like that too!

Bowie (Singing):

You're just a big copycat
Playing my game
But nobody likes you
You'll never have fame

And it cuts like a knife
How it's all gone so wrong
Take revenge for your life
In Presbyterian songs

Crowd: And we all sing along...

You've made a new album?
We don't give a fuck!
Want to be a contender?
You're bang out of luck!

Bowie: Perverted old wannabe
Losing the plot
Look in the mirror
I am who you're not

When I look in the mirror
At least I see me
Not a thin scruffy Scotsman
With yellowy teeth

See his yellow teeth!
(Teeth teeth, teeth teeth)
See his yellow teeth!

(Repeat to fade)

Comments

[telephoneface.livejournal.com]

i think if david bowie's new album sounded anything at all as inspired as yours it'd be a much bigger problem for you!

there are few artists i would be glad to slander my name. for instance if bjork sung i was short and no-good i would still be wearing a huge smile and googly eyes

[telephoneface.livejournal.com]

maybe you too ;-)

[mini-snape.livejournal.com]

Do you know those awful Russel Harty interviews with Bowie from the 70s? It's like he and Bowie switched places. It's a sad thing.

[imomus.livejournal.com]

Ha, yes, I've seen them!

He always had his playful, silly side, though. Have you heard "Don't Sit Down" from Space Oddity?

[imomus.livejournal.com]

i think if david bowie's new album sounded anything at all as inspired as yours it'd be a much bigger problem for you!

Thank you, Adam! I suspect that David Bowie would also love to have been selected to appear in a Whitney Biennial. There are some things I've achieved that he hasn't. I can just about look in the mirror without cringing...

[mini-snape.livejournal.com]

Those Russel Harty interviews are a thing apart.

Oh yeah, I heard that. I always thought he was good at comedy, just I don't like this whole cringe-comedy thing.

[hook-and-eyelet.livejournal.com]

I doubt you would ever stoop to doing anything so awful as contributing vocals to a movie called Cat People (http://imdb.com/title/tt0083722/).

& I doubt also you would bite Klaus Nomi's style temporarliy to bolster your cool quotient.

[(Anonymous)]

Bowie always wears those terrible brightly coloured Terry Wogan suits.

The fact that he hasn't done anything, or even said anything even half-way great for decades is a bad advert for money. Gives money a bad name.

[mini-snape.livejournal.com]

Won't stop me saying prayers to his penis every night, though.

[charleshatcher.livejournal.com]

I did note that you sampled the once rather thin and attractive man's band in Permagasm.

bowie as lounge singer

[wrayb.livejournal.com]

quite lovely. thanks for the link.

[svenskasfinx.livejournal.com]

...as a part of the "David Bowie generation" I find it odd how set appart from the "rest of us" he is, as far as the definition of the word "genius" goes, he is so much less than so many, and yet he's always projected himself, best foot forward.. so as the age and time and occasional unempressive song, or album comes along, its hard to ignore him.

He's rightfully an actor; perfect place for him as well. I feel though for as good as Bowie is, or how much I really liked him in my youth (including many reoccurring dreams from the ages 14-25, now has been demoted to the status of a security guard, giving me the wink, as if I was the only one who could possibly know who he was, where as everyone else, didn't.)

David Bowie's last most remarkable contribution to music was as a participant in the sound track for "Lost Highway", and the only reason I actually got that was not for Bowie, but rather for the four tracks by Barry Adamson...

I personally wouldn't want to know what my favourite idols would think of my foolish "worship" of them, and yet, I've been honoured by one fine moment where one, not only remembered me but said I inspired his work. All via a totally non-sexual, non-corporial relationship (at least non-corporial at first); had I been treated in the way of your nightmare, or in the way Ricky Gervais was, I don't think I could have awoke to my life in the same way the day after...and yet of course, the feelings are mixed.

There has always been a sense of irony with Bowie, for me its been ever since I saw "Labrynth"; I don't see anyone with out a sense of humour doing anything like that ever.. and yet, wasn't he so elequently costumed? No wonder I had dreams about him! But would Bowie actually be so cruel to Momus? How could he?

Its cool to look inside the paranioa of other's minds, I see it cool that you could actually share this, it does make one "cringe" thinking about it.

Funny thing is, I can't see a likeness in Bowie compared to Momus, and I say that having been a Bill Nelson fan for many years and often hearing everyone compare him to Bowie, only not as good.. (which really annoyed me) so the words of Bowie to Momus only makes me think of how many sarcastic words he may have for his contemporaries, those who came out of the same movements at the same time? Would he easily have said (even fictionally)of Bill, he was a "Bowie Wannabee"?

..."perhaps better on Guitar or Piano, but never will see/ the day you have as much money as me"
"saw Brian Ferry, on a train platform/ going first class as always, but for as big as Be Bop Deluxe was, you haven't enough money, for a first class ticket, today.."
"Brian said, "who?" and "thank you" and went along his way"

...

Funny thing, it reminds me of the Elton John, meeting Pete Shelley at the music hall of fame awards..

Elton:I'm a great fan of yours..
Pete: Really? I've got a friend who's a great fan of yours, she has an apartment in Nice, just like you..
Elton: Oh really, pardon me, *walks out of the cue as a bathroom stall has opened up*

*passes Pete, silently as he's washing his hands*

....

[insomnia.livejournal.com]

Ouch. Cruel.

That said, there's no need for having yellowing teeth these days. That's what teeth whitening and veneers are for...

[cheapsurrealist.livejournal.com]

I was a Bowie fan back when the album Space Oddity wasn't called Space Oddity. Saw him in a small venue in '73. Bought everyone of his albums. Then he lost me at Let's Dance.

These days I'm waiting for the second season of Extras and Occy Milk to arrive on these shores. I'm glad to see Bowie is comming along for the ride in Extras. Today I'm more interested in Karl Plkington than Bowie.

[beketaten.livejournal.com]

The only thing that confuses me about David Bowie is actually not about him at all so much as all the people who insist that he's been uninspired for a while.
I love the cruelty of this whole article, haha.

[jermynsavile.livejournal.com]

Marvellous. The best tune Bowie has come up with for a decade at least.

Your own lyrics made me wonder what would be written about me - made me shudder to think of it.

[colinmarshall.livejournal.com]

Being an "outsider" apart from the musical and artistic mainstream seems a large part of your identity. When it comes down to it, would you actually want to live in a world where your material consistently reaches the top of the charts? I know that sounds like a silly question, considering how much more financial comfort such popularity would entail, but do you feel that with -- oh, I don't know -- Coldplay-grade stardom, you wouldn't exactly be Momus anymore?

As Mark Haddon said about the chart position of his first novel, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time: "I'm just suspicious that too many people liked it. All the books I really like are loathed by some people. It's like, you want to be Radiohead and then you think, shit, I've accidentally turned into Coldplay".

That self deprecating wretch Momus!

[(Anonymous)]

What a fallen hero Momus is. I bet he doesn't know it gives him clumsy grace (http://imomus.livejournal.com/61980.html).

Adrian

[telephoneface.livejournal.com]

by the way, is "doki doki" the sound of the heart beat? i always thought it meant 'crazy' because of the game Yumekojo Doki Doki Panic (http://www.nesplayer.com/features/doki/doki.htm) which is what the US Super Mario 2 is based off. I looked it up years ago and it seemed like that was the standard translation.

I just looked it up this morning and another source translates it as "Dream-Castle Throbbing Panic"!

immaculate obscurity

[myemobook.livejournal.com]

Momus, when will there ever be a special comment section for those who place your blog entries in the context of your entire back catalogue (and try to cleverly quote from it in their comment)?

if I could be him, for only an hour...

[myemobook.livejournal.com]

There should also be a MAGIC LYRIC prize of the day for whoever quotes the right/best line in reference to the current entry.

[myemobook.livejournal.com]

Maybe I'll just step up and become the lyric troll, since NPK and the many anonymi don't know your old albums.

Laughing gnome, my ass

[lord-whimsy.livejournal.com]

One (sort of) gets used to it. More often than not, they're just saying what you already know, anyway. The parts that sting are the cuts that make you say to yourself, "Gee, I thought I had that tucked in. Damn."

For the first time in a while, I caused a bunch of black dudes to perform leprechaun impressions as I walked by them last Friday night in Philly. But when you're short, pug nosed with a handlebar moustache and dress like a 'douche,' what do you expect?

I thought using shoe trees to prevent my shoes from curliing up was the answer, but no.

[mcfnord.livejournal.com]

your lyrics are clever.

ziggy

[zzberlin.livejournal.com]

<< we look into the mirror every morning only to feel a surge of disappointment that it isn't his extra-terrestrially intelligent and beautiful face staring back at us. >>

Hahaha! Such a funny image, Momus looking in the mirror wanting to be Bowie!

I saw Bowie perform an acoustic duo with Pete Townshend once. Bowie was hilarious, cracking jokes, teasing Townshend; completely at ease with his guitar and his audience.

(Some of us wouldn't mind his back catalogue, his gorgeous wife, or his heaps of money either.)

Oh don't be disingenuous, momus. We all know you don't want money.