Momo = Nino, more or less
Dec. 17th, 2009 12:12 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
imomusAn open letter to the women of Japan
Dear women of Japan, walking around the streets of your delightful capital, Tokyo, and catching your eye on trains, on escalators, on the street and in stores, I can't help noticing your perplexed reactions to me, Momo. "What the fuck is that?" you seem to be saying to yourselves. "Is it a clown? Will it produce some balls and start juggling? Or is it just an old, ugly, ridiculously-dressed gaijin who thinks he'll score points with us by trying to look 'interesting' in a totally weird way?"
I, Momo, have seen these thoughts passing all-too-obviously through your head, and been slightly saddened, I must confess. Yes, I'm old, and foreign, and a bit eccentric. Sure, I could pass for Momo the Clown, or some kind of walking black flower. But there's something you should know. I am, more or less, Nino.
Nino. Ninomiya from boy band Arashi. He's your favourite current man, isn't he? He's everywhere, with his child-monkey charm and delicate, intelligent, feminine features. Look, there, in the Wii SuperMario Brothers poster! And here in the au by KDDI commercial!
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What a fun boyfriend Nino would be! What good children he'd make, and how well he'd help you raise them! You dream of Arashi, you keep them under your pillow and take them out at night, and when anyone asks your favourite you say "Nino!" If you saw him on the street you'd scream. But if you saw Momo on the street... well, you'd scream!
And that's what I'm writing to tell you today. There's actually a lot less difference than you think between Momo and Nino! We both make you scream, that's a start! But it goes so much deeper than that! Let me prove to you that Momo equals Nino, more or less!
Up to 60% of the human body is water, which means that me and Nino are already 60% the same thing. Water! It's not like Nino's water is sexy and Momo's is weird. No, that 60% majority component of Nino and Momo is identical. Water!
It doesn't stop there, either. Nino and Momo both have two eyes, a nose, a mouth on the front of our heads. Okay, Momo has one eye that's shriveled like a grape, so let's give him 75% eyes compared with Nino's 100% eyes, but, you know, 75% ain't bad, girls! Momo has less hair than Nino, but, you know, it's hair!
And look at their jobs! Momo and Nino are both singers! Okay, Arashi might perform at the Yokohama Arena while Momo just sings karaoke over an iPod at a Tokyo art gallery, but what's an audience gap of tens of thousands when the profession is the same?
There are some other striking similarities. Momo's middle name is John, and Nino is managed by Johnny's Entertainment. Nino is hot, Momo is not, but there's only one letter difference between those words, which makes them 66% the same. Nino's sperm is young and healthy, whereas Momo produces slightly damaged old man sperm, but even old man sperm can make a perfectly good baby, if you don't mind the fact that it wouldn't be racially 100% pure (it would, though, be racially 50% pure, which is good enough for anyone except sticklers).
I want to conclude this open letter to you, dear Women of Japan, by saying, in your delightful language, yoroshiku; be nice to me. Next time you see me on the street, say to yourself "There -- but for a few insignificant details and my own blind Darwinian prejudices -- walks Nino from Arashi!" And allow yourself a small scream. A nice, excited scream, not the terrified one you normally do.
Dear women of Japan, walking around the streets of your delightful capital, Tokyo, and catching your eye on trains, on escalators, on the street and in stores, I can't help noticing your perplexed reactions to me, Momo. "What the fuck is that?" you seem to be saying to yourselves. "Is it a clown? Will it produce some balls and start juggling? Or is it just an old, ugly, ridiculously-dressed gaijin who thinks he'll score points with us by trying to look 'interesting' in a totally weird way?"
I, Momo, have seen these thoughts passing all-too-obviously through your head, and been slightly saddened, I must confess. Yes, I'm old, and foreign, and a bit eccentric. Sure, I could pass for Momo the Clown, or some kind of walking black flower. But there's something you should know. I am, more or less, Nino.
Nino. Ninomiya from boy band Arashi. He's your favourite current man, isn't he? He's everywhere, with his child-monkey charm and delicate, intelligent, feminine features. Look, there, in the Wii SuperMario Brothers poster! And here in the au by KDDI commercial!
[Error: unknown template video]
What a fun boyfriend Nino would be! What good children he'd make, and how well he'd help you raise them! You dream of Arashi, you keep them under your pillow and take them out at night, and when anyone asks your favourite you say "Nino!" If you saw him on the street you'd scream. But if you saw Momo on the street... well, you'd scream!
And that's what I'm writing to tell you today. There's actually a lot less difference than you think between Momo and Nino! We both make you scream, that's a start! But it goes so much deeper than that! Let me prove to you that Momo equals Nino, more or less!
Up to 60% of the human body is water, which means that me and Nino are already 60% the same thing. Water! It's not like Nino's water is sexy and Momo's is weird. No, that 60% majority component of Nino and Momo is identical. Water!
It doesn't stop there, either. Nino and Momo both have two eyes, a nose, a mouth on the front of our heads. Okay, Momo has one eye that's shriveled like a grape, so let's give him 75% eyes compared with Nino's 100% eyes, but, you know, 75% ain't bad, girls! Momo has less hair than Nino, but, you know, it's hair!
And look at their jobs! Momo and Nino are both singers! Okay, Arashi might perform at the Yokohama Arena while Momo just sings karaoke over an iPod at a Tokyo art gallery, but what's an audience gap of tens of thousands when the profession is the same?
There are some other striking similarities. Momo's middle name is John, and Nino is managed by Johnny's Entertainment. Nino is hot, Momo is not, but there's only one letter difference between those words, which makes them 66% the same. Nino's sperm is young and healthy, whereas Momo produces slightly damaged old man sperm, but even old man sperm can make a perfectly good baby, if you don't mind the fact that it wouldn't be racially 100% pure (it would, though, be racially 50% pure, which is good enough for anyone except sticklers).
I want to conclude this open letter to you, dear Women of Japan, by saying, in your delightful language, yoroshiku; be nice to me. Next time you see me on the street, say to yourself "There -- but for a few insignificant details and my own blind Darwinian prejudices -- walks Nino from Arashi!" And allow yourself a small scream. A nice, excited scream, not the terrified one you normally do.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 03:18 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 03:18 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 03:20 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 03:40 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 03:51 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 04:05 am (UTC)*sigh* It is good that you are ending this blog. It is a shame you "ended" your music.
-Edge
(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 05:26 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 03:17 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 04:33 am (UTC)Random lurkers from the Internet can't be wrong!
Date: 2009-12-17 04:39 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 04:54 am (UTC)But I had a slight weird feeling in my gut so I did what I always do at times like this and I did the old Mr. Emoto water test....
I first uttered Nino's lovely crisp name.... and with my micro camera produced this:
I then whispered your name... momus... also a nice name.... and got these results...
I shuttered a bit at the results but it is clear.... and water doesnt lie....
but I believe there is hope.... you must kidnap Nino and do a water transplate.
Give him all your water, and take all of his.... then... well.... you might also be in trouble... maybe dont do this
(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 06:19 am (UTC)conveniently glossed over here are the dozens upon dozens of shots the micro camera took to produce ones that jived with Mr. milky_Emoto's preconceptions.
> water doesnt lie
newage micro cameras do
(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 06:28 am (UTC)best double entendre of the day!
(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 08:38 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 10:27 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 10:58 am (UTC)Is it turning fifty that's suddenly got you all concerned about your age and appearance? It wasn't so long ago that you were claiming to be still in your middle youth and you were beating off women who wanted to have sex with you with a stick... and now, suddenly you feel you're out of the game. Zero chance of picking up a cute girl on the subway. But that's OK, isn't it, you've already cashed out of the game with your cute two-decades-younger Japanese girlfriend...
I'd love to see you do a proper post before the end of Click Opera about ageing, being middle-aged, feeling yourself slipping out of the sexual loop, feeling your body decay and all the rest. How does it feel now that most of your life is behind you rather than in front of you? Do you think more about illness and death? Or maybe less, out of fear? But no doubt there are a lot of upsides to being old, too. Why don't you tell us?
(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 09:56 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 11:01 am (UTC)Maybe you're getting what you really want. Or perhaps young Japanese girls aren't allowed to play dialectics?
I don't know whether to thank you for being so open (vulnerable) or condemn you for being too open. I worry - and I won't be alone in this - that I will still be concerned about these things when I'm my father's age, in the same way that he appears to be (and you appear to be). Part of me hopes that my sex drive will have kindly departed leaving me able to enjoy life free from its incessant nagging.
So when we're reminded that this probably won't happen, it constellates fear, and a certain amount of frustration at the person reminding us; it becomes an unavoidable fate. And the worst of it is that you're not allowed those feelings at that age, you get called, as you frequently do on here, a 'dirty old man' (sometimes you even call yourself it). Perhaps we need to reframe the 'dirty old man'. Rethink him; or, maybe just sit down and really think him for a change, instead of chucking the label at him and then running the hell away. After all, its a fate that awaits a good number of us ...
(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 11:10 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 02:22 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 02:45 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 04:43 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 04:41 pm (UTC)also thank you! of all the times i have awkwardly hit on you on livejournal, this has been my favorite
(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 04:44 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 11:36 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 11:46 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 11:48 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 12:15 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 12:27 pm (UTC)/A
the terrified Darwinian scream
Date: 2009-12-17 01:56 pm (UTC)I't been years since I've seen this Tyrolean vid. Quite the opposite to the "Widow Twanky's" meloncholic dirge.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 02:13 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 03:07 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 04:31 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 04:42 pm (UTC)wrong!
(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 04:46 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 05:12 pm (UTC)(Btw I’m mid-20 and would totally and have sex with you all night. A shame I am a boy.)
(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 08:56 pm (UTC)Hey, I'll tell you what makes you feel even more mortal than being old. Earth tremors. The building just shook with one!
just shook
Date: 2009-12-17 11:34 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 10:48 pm (UTC)You seem to have carefully cultivated that Gainsbourg "I am all about sex, therefore I am sexy" persona.
I've always found you singularly off-putting and adorable. Like looking in the refrigerator to get out a piece of bread, and finding that the bread has pink mold all over it, but that the mold has grown in a perfectly fuzzy pink circular mound that looks like a pink baby chicken or a Snow Ball cake.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-17 11:26 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-18 01:19 am (UTC)There's something endearing about this. Sure, most celebs will say nice things about a culture which embraces them. But how many will keep saying those things, and keep coming back, when they're forgotten?
"If your love changed into hate / Would my love have been a mistake? / La la la..."
(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-18 01:24 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-18 01:35 am (UTC)This is turning into a scene from a Takashi Miike film.
if i only had a brain
Date: 2009-12-18 01:53 am (UTC)Re: if i only had a brain
Date: 2009-12-18 02:44 am (UTC)so this is the real deal momus,
look to the Bowie.
He's the one that got you into this mess and he's the one that can get you out.
He's donned quite a few seemingly unretrieveable fashion and live situations. And has always made it back with his plumes sailing at full mast.
Look deep inside your 'Bowie Mind' and find that crystal gleaming showing you the path to true world domination.
But also realize, you're probably a little jetlaged and, maybe just a bit flustered.
also, if you just tweet that costume a bit... you'll look amazing. serious.
Re: if i only had a brain
Date: 2009-12-18 06:05 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-12-19 09:36 am (UTC)- Mazie.