Tell me a joke!

[imomus]

I'm very interested in the subject of jokes right now. I want to write a book -- "The Book of Jokes", no less -- which would begin like this:

"Why the long face?" I ask the customer, a horse.

The narrative would then backtrack and, in a realistic, sober, detailed and tragi-comic manner, tell the whole backstory to that ridiculous scene, with due respect for the full weight of human (and horse) suffering. That would be Chapter One; Chapter Two might be about my grandfather, who died peacefully in his sleep, not screaming in terror like his passengers. Each chapter would state the joke first of all, then try to explain how the situation came about, who the characters are, what else is happening in their lives, and so on.

So I want you to tell me your favourite joke today. It can be as bad as you like, the sort of thing kids tell each other in playgrounds. I'm interested in jokes that sketch a funny scene with maximum economy, in the shortest possible space. Not jokes which hinge on puns ("What do you call a dyslexic hippopotamus?" etc). They should be situational, brief, absurd, able to conjure up pictures in my mind. They should also be things you heard orally, not stuff pasted across from websites or books.

So what's your favourite joke? Go on, tell us!

Comments

all-time favourite since the 2nd grade

[setau.livejournal.com]

A bear was walking through the woods, saw a burning car, got in and burned to death.

Re: all-time favourite since the 2nd grade

[lecabinet.livejournal.com]

Is that like a joke my Physics teacher told me;

Two hippos are lying in a muddy pool, one raises his mouth above the level of the water and says 'You know what, I keep thinking it's Tuesday'.

Remember, my PHYSICS TEACHER told me that one.

[evil-heat.livejournal.com]

Chapter Two might be about my grandfather, who died peacefully in his sleep, not screaming in terror like his passengers....

LOL

[add-del.livejournal.com]

LOL!!!

[vitiosuslepros.livejournal.com]

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "Hey, does this taste funny to you?"

[vomwald.livejournal.com]

a stove and a washing-machine are sitting on a tree.
a microwave flies by.
says the stove to the washing-machine:
"There are things, you can´t believe them."
(Sachen gibt´s, die gibt´s gar nicht)

[dzima.livejournal.com]

Most Nick Cave songs he wrote until 1996.

[beketaten.livejournal.com]

Obviously, you haven't been listening much since then :P

[fishwithissues.livejournal.com]

Gosh, you've got me wracking my brain, and, put on the spot, I can't think'a'one!


I do want to say though that your idea about the long face (taking that absurd joke image and making it poignant) is remarkably similar* to a passage in Joanna Newsom's song "Sawdust & Diamonds" off her momentous album Ys. It's probably one of my top five moments in that harp-y tome:


I wanted to say: why the long face?
Sparrow, perch and play songs of long face
Burro, buck and bray songs of long face!
Sing: I will swallow your sadness and eat your cold clay
Just to lift your long face

And though it may be madness, I will take to the grave
Your precious longface
And though our bones they may break, and our souls separate
- why the long face?
And though our bodies recoil from the grip of the soil
- why the long face?



*I mean to bring this up this with zero intimations of plagiarism or any of that nonsense.

[fishwithissues.livejournal.com]

okay thought of one:

Two archeologists from the future dust off an old hard drive from 2007. One says to the other. "How many people are in there, you think, just waiting to be re-constituted to corporeality?" The other replies, "Are you kidding? We're talking gigabytes here." They both laugh uproariously: "HAHAHAHA! gigabytes?!? are you fucking kidding me? jesus christ."

[masnomas.livejournal.com]

What's red and green and goes 500 miles an hour?

A frog in a blender.


------

I think that, I've always really enjoyed this joke. And it's not that I dislike frogs, or enjoy animal suffering, or anything along those lines. What I so enjoy about this joke is that it's a visual joke, done only in words. It's short and simple, and it conjures up an image. But the thing it really exploits is the human tendency to inadequately control the things our brain pictures. No one really wants to picture the frog in the blender. But they do I have a stronger control over what I picture than it seems most people do, and the phenomenon is very interesting to me.

[eli-l.livejournal.com]

My all time favorite joke is a very oral one, but I'll try to give you an idea.

What's the difference between a guy that jumps from the 12th floor and one that jumps from 2th floor?
The first one goes "Aaaaaaaah... splat"
The second one goes "splat.... aaaaaaah"

I know. Very bad joke.

[yan.livejournal.com]

moscuito: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz KHE, KHE zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Some of my favourites...

[fugitivemotel.livejournal.com]

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

Re: Some of my favourites...

[lecabinet.livejournal.com]

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

That is my new favourite thing now.

My joke is; what's the difference between a weasel and a stoat? A weasel's weaselly recognised, while a stoat's stoatally different.

I have made many drunken men declare undying love using only this joke.

[damageink.livejournal.com]

man walks into a bar, ouch, it was an iron bar.


love this joke cos you think you know whats coming then (POW) it totally side swipes you.

[yud.livejournal.com]

A man's car breaks down at night, but luckily he remembered passing a monestary a little ways back on the road. He walks back to the monestary, knocks on the door, and a silent monk wearing black robes lets him in. Inside, the man notices that there is absolutely no furniture anywhere--all the rooms are empty. The monk leads him to a courtyard where the rest of the monks are gathered. In the courtyard, there's a huge mural on one wall that's entirely black except for a big white zero in the middle of it. The monks are standing in an oval, quietly singing praises of the Great Emptiness, the All-Encompasing Void, and the Divine Empty Set. The man grabs the arm of the monk who let him in and says "Hey! What's going on here? Is NOTHING sacred?"

[qscrisp.livejournal.com]

Nice one.

Reminds me of this:

What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot-dog seller?

Make me one with everything.

[kaipfeiffer.livejournal.com]

here's a joke arto lindsay told on stage:
how can you tell that your sister got her period? - your dad's dick tastes different.

(ok, that's not the kind of joke you wanted, maybe something better springs to mind later. i'm quite bad at remembering jokes)

[qscrisp.livejournal.com]

Sorry, I've duplicated you because I didn't read the other jokes first. Sorry.

It's the way I tell 'em

[dexter-bentley.livejournal.com]

My son Chester (aged 6) told me 2 jokes recently;

1/ What do monkey's sing at christmas?
A: 'Jungle bells, jungle bells, jungle all the way!'

2/ Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
A: To get to the bottom!

However, my favourite joke (partly as it's the only one I can ever remember) is;

What is the first thing that enters a fly's mind when it hits a windscreen at 60 miles per hour?
A: It's bum!

[hddod.livejournal.com]

There were two cats, a British cat and a French cat. The British cat was called "One Two Three" and the French cat was "Un Deux Trois". They decided to swim across the Channel but just before they finished the crossing, a huge wave swept over them and only the British cat made it to the other side. Un Deux Trois cat sank.

[akabe.livejournal.com]

there were three horses one brown, one white and one a little bit further.

this kind of stuff is hilarious in romanian and some slavic languages.

[birdflew.livejournal.com]

Two balloons are flying through the desert. One balloon says to the other, "Watch out for the cactusssssssssssss."

Jodo

[(Anonymous)]

There's a book on that subject by Jodorowsky, "La Sabiduría de los chistes (1998)" (The wisdom of jokes). I'm not sure if it has been translated to english.

Está Bush?
Está en Ohio.
Conmigo??

Romolo

Re: Jodo

[(Anonymous)]

No way I could read what ya wrote there, but here's hoping that Bush does put up that wall ta keep ya mexican speaking folks outta my homeland.

while treading lightly, apolitically...

[mongoltrophies.livejournal.com]

This one could be seen as nasty (although it's tame enough for a chuckle by Chosen People I've run it past), but its exploration in the manner you describe might be interestingly book-suitable.

"Why do Jews have such big noses?"
"Because air is free."

Re: while treading lightly, apolitically...

[cheapsurrealist.livejournal.com]

Q: How many Jewish grandmothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. "who should care about an old woman? I'll sit in the dark."

[(Anonymous)]

how do you circumcise a redneck? kick his sister in the jaw.

Did you hear about the circus fire?
It was intense (in tents). Works better if spoken. Oh, sorry, no puns.

[penguinet.livejournal.com]

A pirate walks into a bar with the wheel for a ship in the front of his pants. The bar tender says, "Hey! You've got a ships wheel in your pants!" The pirate replies, "Aye! It's drive'n me nuts!"

[masnomas.livejournal.com]

Ohhh...I like that. It's far better than my previous favorite pirate joke;

"How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?"

"A buck an ear"

(better when spoken).

[alisgray.livejournal.com]

Ask me if I'm orange.

[qscrisp.livejournal.com]

Are you orange?

[http://users.livejournal.com/_grimtales_/]

Damn you and your pun restriction...

A girl walks into a cocktail bar and orders a Double Entendre.
So the barman gives her one.

[cheapsurrealist.livejournal.com]

Q: How many surrealists does it to screw in a light bulb?

A: A fish

[slipmesomething.livejournal.com]

G'ah, I was going to tell that one too. : /

[mosmellowman.livejournal.com]

I like 2 ways of this joke - Great minds think alike. In Russian it has 2 meanings - about clever ones and about stupid ones. Hope I explain it clear-)

[(Anonymous)]

Great minds think alike, and fools don't think differently.