Queen Midas

[imomus]

In the newly super-dialectical spirit of recent Click Opera, I'd like to present, in the form of a fairy tale, an opposing thesis -- an antithesis -- to yesterday's entry It's so nice to be a beautiful girl.

My thesis today is simple: it may be nice to be a beautiful girl in showbusiness or porn, where you can share your image with millions and reap huge rewards, but in ordinary life it can actually be pretty rotten to be a beautiful girl. Let's call it Queen Midas Syndrome; everything you touch turns not to gold, but to jealousy and possessiveness, to unwanted intensity, to stalking and the crime passionel. You experience the very worst of the mating game, the stuff that happens when a strong force is unleashed, Pandora's Box is opened.



Beauty puts real strain on monogamous relationships for the obvious reason that it provides constant opportunities for, and therefore temptations to, infidelity. When beauty is combined with spontaneity and generosity (and it's tempting for the beautiful to share their beauty with multitudes), dangerous and provocative scenarios unfold, scenarios of promiscuity and polyamory. Trying to keep everyone happy, the beautiful person (let's just call her Beauty) ends up alienating everyone when each suitor demands to be her only one, and each in turn discovers he isn't. No matter how well Beauty keeps secrets or compartmentalizes her life, she cannot prevent her generosity from becoming known eventually. And when it does, her good nature provokes only bad blood. Disappointed beyond belief, each suitor becomes The Beast.

Our beauty, Queen Midas, is a just ruler who wants to help each one of her citizens. But their demands are too great; her beauty has emboldened each of her subjects to demand that he alone should be king. They will not tolerate the equality she tries to supply. Given an inch, they immediately want a mile. So intense is the competition between the queen's suitors that all other affairs of the state fall into neglect. Crazed by love, the beasts forget that they are starving, and have no jobs, and nowhere to live. The land falls into ruin.

To solve this crisis, the queen decides she must choose one suitor, the best beast, and make him king. This is done. The rejected suitors harbor black, murderous thoughts for a while, but eventually accept her decision. They are not entirely beasts, after all. And in time, there will be consolations: she will appear on postage stamps, perhaps, or make a speech every new year. They will remember their ardor with sweet, gentle nostalgia. "Ah, the time I really thought I could be king, and call such beauty my own!" the ex-beasts will chuckle, wiping away a tear.

But this is where the queen metaphor breaks down. It may be fine to be beautiful on the throne, in showbiz or in porn (they're all the same thing, really: a means of sharing yourself without giving everything), but it's not so fine in real life, as an ordinary person. For someone beautiful who isn't making a career based on being beautiful, the dramas of personal life must necessarily occupy more space than they do for the rest of us. We Muglies must fill with work or hobbies the empty time in which people are not calling us, pestering us for dates, flattering and courting us. We must do something social, productive. As a result, we reach an enviable balance and calmness in our lives, something the beautiful can never achieve. We have been left alone to develop interests in society, in the life of the mind. We've compensated for our lack of beauty by developing other skills and attractions: we've become an expert on something, an artist, a politician, or a writer. We've made ourselves attractive by cultural means; unlike the beautiful person, who owes everything to a sort of genetic accident, we Muglies feel "self-made", responsible for our own position.

Little by little, the enormous sense of possibility Beauty sensed in every situation is revealed as an illusion. The only possibility present -- the erect elephant in every room -- is that someone she's never met before immediately wants to fuck her. Just like the last person she'd never met before. Quelle surprise! She has little say in the matter. It becomes depressingly predictable, and every new admirer is a potential new stalker.

For the Mugly, on the other hand, there's more and more liberty and possibility, as she develops interests and pursues paths which are entirely her own. She can sublimate, work with colleagues, be treated non-sexually, get on with things. The strong force doesn't tug her off course, and Pandora's Box stays, inchallah, shut.

Meanwhile, Beauty is debating donning a burka or entering a nunnery. She even feels suicidal sometimes, so miserable is she to see how her beauty destabilizes every relationship and makes commitment so difficult. Even a partner who is loved and chosen can develop paranoid jealousies based on nothing, and these suspicions (based only on beauty) can undermine everything.

Finally, instead of entering a nunnery, Beauty moves to the countryside with her Chosen One. Here no-one will bother her. She can look after animals, raise children. But this is an all-or-nothing scenario. If things don't work out with the Chosen One, she has nothing else in her life. She's in limbo, in free fall. All her eggs are in one basket, and one day they may lie broken.

But there is one sure salvation. Nature has the answer. It's called ageing. We all age, and as Beauty ages she becomes less "a beauty" and more "a person". While never quite becoming a Mugly, she sees the strong force -- and with it jealousy, paranoia and torrid crimes passionels -- gently declining, like a storm blowing itself out. Finally, she can develop other interests. The dynamite of love and sex can turn into something more manageable, but also more lovely. Fireworks, perhaps.

Comments

[wrayb.livejournal.com]

I have observed many times that very gorgeous and fully developed teen females will embrace conservative religous groups. In New Orleans the Jehovah Witness churches had some of the hotest hotties.

[insomnia.livejournal.com]

"When beauty is combined with spontaneity and generosity (and it's tempting for the beautiful to share their beauty with multitudes), dangerous and provocative scenarios unfold, scenarios of promiscuity and polyamory."

Promiscuity, perhaps... and certainly a lot of serial monogamy... but not so much polyamory. I know a lot of people who are polyamorous, but disproportionately few of them are a classic societal '10'. I would say that there are a lot of 3's and 4's -- lots of unattractive geeks -- a less than average amount of 4's, 5's... and lots of 6's through 8's... geeky, sexy, and often quite brilliant.

In other words, if you're really not attractive, you'll probably be pretty unpopular in the rather sexual polyamorous community. If you look like a common Joe or Jane, you're probably going to grow up pretty conventional. But if you're geeky, smart, and sexy, you'll fit in well... and you will need those brains in order to deal with the often complex interpersonal issues involved in polyamory.

To be poly, you must process, reason, and analyze your way past emotional issues like jealousy, and will have to develop excellent -- and often time-intensive -- communications skills. That's a very hard thing for most people to do. I would theorize that the really smart simply do not have to -- or necessarily even want to -- try that hard.

If a person's relationships are plotted on a bar graph, polyamory and serial monogamy often look pretty much the same, with significant relationship overlap. The difference is honesty. In serial monogamy, there's a lot of lying and cheating going on. In poly relationships, everyone knows and everything is consentual, with the potential for maintaining old relationships, while still having new ones pop up occasionally.

[(Anonymous)]

I don't think he means to say that all polyamorous people are beautiful, just that it is a frequent result of being beautiful. When affections and offers are coming at a person from all around, it's hard not to find more than one person who appears to be a potential significant other. 'Beauty' then falls for more than one suitor- hence, polyamory.

[svenskasfinx.livejournal.com]

I like the direction this went in-

I think of this as the Aphrodite thing again, just as the Athena thing has its "darker side" when you are powerful, and "just one of the boys" there is the reminder that "Medusa's" fate was the antithis of Athena's power and beauty; Medusa is actually Athena if you think of it, however being one of the boys doesn't protect you from their power, nor does it protect one from rape. Remember it was Medusa's beauty which is blamed for her condition, had she not been raped she would have not been punished by Athena, thus she would not have a face that would turn creature to stone..

The Aphrodite thing, is really about not being shy about being beautiful, enjoying it and not having to do anything more than that. AS with all of these stereotypish, archetypal struggle things, I think that there is both a positive and a negative to the so called "positive faces", I mean yes, with type which is Aphrodite, she gets opportunities that others would not get, but doesn't HAVE to develop herself.

Then the darker inverse of this is her own husband, the crooked bodied Vulcan, who is a craftsman, artisian, and although he is not "beautiful" he is married to the most beautiful (and most permiscious) of all the goddesses. He was abandoned (due to the fact his own mother found him repulsive at birth) and yet out of that hardship he earned his birth place back: you can say that is alot to do with how we all who are not born into wealth or beauty but have talents also EARN our rightful birth places back.

When it comes to the female archetypes, I get the impression that I would rather the Bohemian lifestyle of the Muses, they did what they wanted, when they wanted, their beauty was not a detriment nor did it keep them from being creative, thoughtful, and developed. It also didn't keep them in an ivory tower far away from the mear "mortals"; Where can we find such examples in our own culture is what I want to know?

Can anyone who was born "ugly", and then "grow out of it" ever really break free of the constraints that the image developed when young, even if they are considered on the same level as the "beautiful", due to hard work and earning their place?

There is also a "class" barrier here as well, if you are born into wealth, the idea of looks doesn't become as much of an issue, in fact, the only reason I think I myself was considered "ugly" for all those years of my youth is just basicly a class/socio-ecconomic/cultural issue, after all, a woman perhaps can only be considered really beautiful when she has money (thinking about Maddona's quote: "its not earrings that make a woman beautiful, its money.") and for some reason fit into the society in a neat and less provocative form.

With that aside, a man who was a film maker in my school who had also got a scholarship told me of the poverty so painful when he was a kid, his sister (who is now a doctor) prostituted herself (as a 12 year old supposedly just oral sex but still ew!) just to get money for clothes, ect.. And honestly all I could remember at that age was running away from strange men in cars trying to give me candy!

How about another ending, "ugly ducking, leaves country and becomes a beautiful swan, without realising it and hides inside the house, so no one will stare.." (possibly reading "Ykky" magazine ;))

[imomus.livejournal.com]

Wonderful, I feel like I have a correspondent in Ancient Greece!

I completely disagree with Madonna's quote, though. Most of the beauties I have known have been poor. Madonna is not beautiful at all in my eyes, and no amount of money would change my mind. In fact, it would simply strengthen my impression (although, at a certain level of bribery, I would be prepared to lie).

[constructionism.livejournal.com]

Men are beautiful to certain people, too....so long as they are worth a lot of money.

[mcgazz.livejournal.com]

> prostituted herself (as a 12 year old supposedly just oral sex but still ew!) just to get money for clothes, ect

Which happens in non-poverty-stricken Japan all the time.

[(Anonymous)]

Your musings on beauty always seem underpinnned by a sense of universalism. Your idea of beauty really isn't the same as mine.

[imomus.livejournal.com]

Do you really think there aren't people who conquer new hearts every time they enter a room?

[planetx.livejournal.com]

I love the image of the woman in a burkha rocking out with the electric guitar.

What's that from? Who is she?

[imomus.livejournal.com]

I found it just image googling "burka". It's from a Danish music and culture blog, but I couldn't find it on the actual site, and have no idea what band it is. She's playing bass, by the way.

[mini-snape.livejournal.com]

Yay, this follows up on what you said in reply to my comment yesterday beautifully. It gives it the right shading, so that maybe people won't feel so hurt by it, as a lot of people seemed to be. I especially love the part about ageing, that's wonderful.

[nato-dakke.livejournal.com]

methinks beauty is not really such a "genetic accident" as you cast it. The uptight librarian lets her hair down, cinderella finally gets a sniff when she stops buying her clothes off the rack. They mighta been beautiful in the "cover of national geographic" sense, but "all eyes on me" beauty is the result of a willful process, and money helps (especially for men). Maybe not trying is just an unrealized level of the burka or habit.

You say Beauty wants to search for truth, but is constantly distracted by fun and glamour. This I believe, but I don't think that this truth-seeking is any higher a satisfaction than social success. Genetic and historical accident is usually to blame for the bookish being bookish, and the fabulous being fabulous. Both want to conquer the other realm, whether out of self-loathing or self-infatuation. Beauty, however, rules the realm that we as biological, social creatures are most built for... and whether Beauty knows it or not, she got dealt the better hand.

[(Anonymous)]

Not defending the burka but it does provide anonymity - which, as a kind of parallel cousin to beauty, is not so far from Western values. Stripping and sanding any visual personality away until people become a kind of anonymous smoothness.

[cap-scaleman.livejournal.com]

Momus, this must be the second or third time in which one of your entries made me feel so much better! I love this entry! Thanks!

[caoilte.livejournal.com]

It is, of course, an appropriate time of year for this sort of idle musing. Summer is over and the girls are putting their clothes back on. Breasts and bums will be disappearing under furry coats for another two seasons. Byebye beautiful bodies!

[(Anonymous)]

dispelling the dialectic; sometimes i am beautiful, sometimes i am ugly - most girls think that, but for me it's really true. My features correspond to both beauty and ugliness; some people find me gorgeous, others thing i am nothing special or tend towards minger.

i think this is great; no-one ever knows what they're going to get with me; whether i might be looking luminous or hideous. it means i'm aware of the beauty card but am never sure of when i'm safe to play it. it means that catching myself looking pretty in the mirror can be a sweet surprise, but i would never count on it.

Excuse me Mr.Momus

[(Anonymous)]

I failed to take note on a earlier post when you mentioned the date and location of your upcoming performance in Barcelona.
Make digital ecco, please.

Re: Excuse me Mr.Momus

[(Anonymous)]

*echo


Alexandre Piedade

[(Anonymous)]

astute observation! this was my favourite post of yours.

julien
http://inoveryourhead.net (http://inoveryourhead.net)

[(Anonymous)]

Life is such a limbo when desires have no clearance for take off. If I was to write a song about my life right now, it'd be called: "I Have Come To Tell You That I've Got Mixed Feelings About Everything (And Probably Will Indefinately)"

[unluckymonkey.livejournal.com]

Wow. You're clearly not a woman. For once I think you're way off base but everyone's got their days.

[(Anonymous)]

I agree with you, this blog is just too assumptive and generalized, everyones difficulties and battles in life are unique, I dont think its fair to make such narrow deductions on something he really doesnt know anything about

[uberdionysus.livejournal.com]

I have several friends who are ugly ducklings, and they fare even worse. Despised in their youth and suddenly, after a spout of flowering, they become desired by their former tormentors. The four I know are exceptionally beautiful, and also brilliant, neurotic, self-loathing and distrustful. And who can blame them?

[svenskasfinx.livejournal.com]

I understand the distrust, its hard to make an adjustment from totally disliked for no reason other than one's appearance, or a "squint" or Freckles, or being the "wrong" colour even, then waking up one day and having all of those trails suffered sloughed away with the pure meaninglessness of the people who made such insecurities possible.

Its easy to try to nurture the inner beauty, but its hard to accept the comment without thinking that there is dishonesty in them.. Self-loathing only delivered by the rememberance in childhood for the want of being accepted by those who seem to feel so easy with themselves..

Now the tables are turned, what does one have to fall back on? Where once denyed access, the doors open, and suddenly, one finds themselve not only welcomed, but persued.

Who can blame them?

a learned woman might as well even have a beard

[(Anonymous)]

From Scheherazade Goes West by Fatema Mernissi:

"Unlike the Muslim man, who uses space to establish male domination
by exlucding women from the public arena, the Western man manipulates
time and light. He declares that in order to be beautiful, a woman
must look fourteen years old. If she dares to look fifty, or worse,
sixty, she is beyond the pale. By putting the spotlight on the female
child and framing her as the ideal of beauty, he condemns the mature
woman to invisibility. In fact, the the modern Western man enforces
Kant's 19th century theories: To be beautiful women have to appear
childish and brainless. When a woman looks mature and self-assertive,
or allows her hips to expand, she is condemned as ugly. Thus, the
walls of the European harem seperate youthful beauty from ugly
maturity. These Western attitudes, I thought, are even more dangerous
and cunning than the Muslim ones because the weapon used against women
is time. Time is less visible, mure fluid than space....This Western
time-defined veil is even crazier than the space-defined ones enforced
by the Ayatollahs...The violence embodied in the Western harem is less
visible than in the Eastern harem aging is not attacked directly but
masked as an aesthetic choice...By putting the spotlight on the the
prepubescent female, the Western man veils the older, more mature
woman, wrapping her in shrouds of ugliness. This idea gives me the
chills because it tattoos the invsible harem directly onto a woman's
skin."

-Monique

[apathyof.livejournal.com]

Sometimes the Beauty becomes so overly aware fact that she is Beautiful that it becomes ingratiated in her identity so much so that when someone does not "fall" for her, she starts to lose confidence and feels that her identity becomes destabilized. She becomes dependent on the constant validation as a Beautiful thing because that affirms who she is as a person, and that's who she has always been ever since puberty. Then when she ages and loses that beauty and men stop giving her the attention she has become accustomed to her whole life, she enters a crisis mode. I guess that's the glass half empty.

[winterkoninkje.livejournal.com]

I see what you're getting at, but I'm not sure I agree with your assessment of beauty in polyamory. Certainly Beauty can create spite for all that clamor to be The One, however that is not polyamorousness. The basis of poly is to remove the selfish possessiveness of monogamous relationships. And while they may falter, being poly is to not aim to be The One but merely to take part with Beauty. To feel that Beauty would flourish exposed to the world, and if contained would wither that none at all might enjoy her favor.

So unless you're willing to argue that the possessiveness of great beauty cannot ever be overcome, with all that argument entails, I think polyamory is best left out of the thesis. Though it is interesting to consider how it is that successful poly relationships overcome that issue, for I think it has to do with finding beauty in other than looks, something less fickle and less prone to one-upsmanship.

Liberalism and Islam

[(Anonymous)]

I think that there is something very dangerous about leaving one's own personal feelings to explore those of others in this way. You cannot ever know the feelings of a beauty, nor, really can you know the experience of someone who has grown up in an Islamic culture.

I wonder if you are familiar with the author of this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Politics-Piety-Revival-Feminist-Subject/dp/0691086958

Her feeling is essentially that, we cannot view women in Islam in terms of liberal feminism, that we must imagine other forms of "human flourishing" not within the structures of our own liberal western world. (Pro-active liberation from men/God is not the project of Islam and sometimes submission or patience to these subjects is). My problem however, is that she is approaching this statement as a liberal, western woman herself. How can she possibly ask that we imagine other forms of "human flourishing" when hers and our own form of "human" flourishing is informed by a shared liberal worldview. This is not mathematics, no amount of calculation or dispossession can, or should, remove us from our own personal feelings of flourishing. These feelings, and our desire to want them for others, is a basis for compassion, I think.

I am not saying we need to save people from themselves or go neocon on the whole world. But I also believe that to deny our understanding of the human experience as one which comes from a personal place is to deny ourselves of our own humanity. We are not robots, you cannot pull the pants down on our code. Understanding is a complex feeling, and it is a human one: it; comes from inside.

[retrowaster.livejournal.com]

My mother is a very vain woman. She was beautiful when she was young and she relied too much on it. Now she's overwelmed herself with plastic surgery and spends way too much money trying to reverse the aging process. She puts enormous amounts of pressure on me and at times tries to live vicariously through me. It drives me nuts. I try not to let things go to my head, though. That's why I like the internet. You can be anonymous. I don't even have pictures of myself on myspace. But whatever, beauty is subjective.