Act like a prick, Jim: blame the victim

[imomus]

"Leave it on show, expect it to go," advised a sign I saw near The Mall, London, the other day. While it's touching that the Metropolitan Police are composing poetry to help members of the public stay alert and vigilant, it struck me as a kind of dangerous fatalism. While I don't expect the London police to reverse Britain's worsening Gini rating or even actually prevent and solve crimes, it did seem a bit irresponsible of them to suggest that theft and display were one and the same thing.

It seemed to chime with the odd attitude expressed in an article I read in a British newspaper about an elderly couple who'd been murdered by robbers in their home. While everybody interviewed said what a sweet old pair they'd been, walking into town arm in arm, they were unanimous: these were people you'd almost expect to get robbed and killed, considering what an affluent area they lived in and how old and sweetly defenseless they were. It was almost some sort of Darwinian inevitability that such folks would get chopped up.

Being a bit of a poet myself, I decided to sit down and write some other slogans the police could use to warn people of the viciousness of modern Britain. Here are some ideas for posters that could be displayed around the British capital. Perhaps you could add a few of your own.

Wake up to reality, expect criminality.

Increase inequality, expect an armed robbery.

Where folks don't have jobs, expect to get robbed.

Walk visibly breasted, get quickly molested.

In a land with high GINI, wear three bikinis.

Show us some ankle? Now you'll get strangled.

One inch of thigh, one hour till you die.

An uncovered head, Allah strikes dead.

Say something clever, get ready for bovver.

Walk down your driveway, die by a drive-by.

Stay all day in bed; wake up, you're dead.

Get on a plane? Your life's down the drain.

You died having sex? What did you expect?

Somebody killed you? Not much we can do.

Comments

[cutup.livejournal.com]

Delectable anatomy? Inevitable sodomy.

[sparkligbeatnic.livejournal.com]

Drink yourself numb, crack your skull in a scrum.

Stuff yer fat arse, line up for a bypass.

[rhodri.livejournal.com]

Get on the bus - you'll have no fuss!
Pop out for a beer, for fun and good cheer!
Let's all have a lark at Finsbury Park!
Ask for a light - you'll be alright!
Empty your bin - the situation's win-win!
A whale of a time on the Victoria Line!

*

Go to Berlin, and get savagely assaulted on the Kurfürstendamm with a retractable pencil!

[spoombung.livejournal.com]

Oh, Rhodri!

[cap-scaleman.livejournal.com]

A bureaucracy lie makes a boss tighten his tie.

A buck for a cup, a knife for a life.

IF yo' go mingle, you'll end up n' "dingle" (dangle).

Lardy breaks, yo' futures a fake.

Forced to play ping-pong? Be careful with your ding-dong!

Tv dinner or model skinner?

Maybe a bit late for this but this is what I could come up with.

[(Anonymous)]

some of these rhyme,
some don't scan very well at all

[christmas7.livejournal.com]

didn't shoot first? we'll call you a hearse.

expecting art grants? we're pissing our pants.

peace, love and understanding? we're going to a hangin'

voted Tory? you're fucked...we're not sorry.

voted Green? 'hundred bucks for your spleen.

a turban at the departure gate? this plane's getting in late.

reading the Qur'an? in Gitmo you land.

your right to protest? surely you jest.

get paid to make art??? we'll just buy it at wal-mart.

unilateral withdrawal? what a lovely new wall.

in the struggle for freedom, disregard all reason.

this is sort of fun

[fishwithissues.livejournal.com]

take the ipod for a jog, get murdered like a dog.
get it to go, or get stabbed al fresco.
vanilla with sprinkles? mugged for singles.
credit card to buy a donut? identity theft and slow death.
feeling unequal? buy a gun, kill people.
gold ring? shirt stained with blood and poland spring.
don't be a-dawdlin' or your future is maudlin.

[(Anonymous)]

Ogling snatch? Get an eye-patch.

[spoombung.livejournal.com]

Say something clever, get ready for bovver.

hahahahahaha!

[(Anonymous)]

hahahaha! ahahahah!

[(Anonymous)]

Leave sign in the street? It too will grow feet.

[(Anonymous)]

Need to kill time? Criticise sign.

[xishimarux.livejournal.com]

Late for the date? She's not lickin' your tant.
Oh you have no wallet?! Expect to get beat solid.
Girls who show the most skin, are usually not very thin :(

[lord-whimsy.livejournal.com]

London's bobbies aren't doin' their jobbies--
so don't think cloudy in areas rowdy.

[(Anonymous)]

Use the toilet, die if you soil it.
Eat McD's, turn obese.
Turned obese? Sue McD's.
Jiggle your ass, get harassed.
Act like a fool, drown in the pool.
Watch too much porn, dick turns to corn.
Too tight your shirt? Get treated like dirt.
Voted for Bush? Your brain must be mush.
Flashing your coin? Get kicked in the groin.
Way too much scotch, you'll dirty your crotch.
Pick at your snot, your finger will rot.

[cerulicante.livejournal.com]

It's no mystery that criminals enjoy the freedom to rob and murder unchecked in the UK. They know their prey isn't armed, they know he can't fight back (or he'll go to jail!) and they know that they can murder whomever they please and all they'll get is life in prison with parole in a little while.


The British are fast becoming sheep guarded by the blind rooster.

[(Anonymous)]

Precisely why it's vital to maintain the right of honest citizens to own firearms in the US, the world's most violent first-world nation. Nothing is more intimidating to a would-be robber or homebreaker than the chance that their victim might be able to shoot them. Outlawing gun ownership sends a clear message to the armed criminals that they're free to prey on the unarmed ones. Lord knows the police aren't interested in interdiction.

Last time I had to call 911 because of a man trying to get in the front gate with a knife, it took them 4 minutes to get here. Plenty of time for the perp to kill my neighbor and me, grab our loot and be on his way. Thankfully, I was able to show him what the business end of a 12-gauge looked like, and he skedaddled.

(No no! Bad liberal! Must tow the party line! --etc., etc.)

[cheapsurrealist.livejournal.com]

When the victim's the criminal
The police work is minimal

[unluckymonkey.livejournal.com]

If I lived in that neighborhood I'd change that guy sneaking to a woman getting raped. That's a really shitty slogan because it's not how the law applies things. Otherwise robbers could say, "Well he left his spare change right in plain view!" for stealing. Gah!

[nato-dakke.livejournal.com]

it doesnt even need to be something as valuable as "spare change"... the phrasing implies that "he left an item in the car" would suffice.

[songtosetmefree.livejournal.com]

"You died having sex? What did you expect?"
hahahahahahahahaha

here's one:
if you act smug, you'll surely get mugged

[(Anonymous)]

if u touch ur balls, u will have a bad day, u fag

[auto-nalle.livejournal.com]

~winner.

[werdtoyourmoms.livejournal.com]

the second poem you posted keeps making me laugh. here's mine:

if you're alone get a computer for a boner

[rwillmsen.livejournal.com]

If you're not waving a flag, they'll call you a fag. (sorry, not good).

[xishimarux.livejournal.com]

I like this one. Stupid american nationalists and the 4th of july is coming up.

tell a cop they're shit, get a terrorist's chit

[(Anonymous)]

Yet more positive reinforcement for criminal behaviour - there's something really wrong when police erect signs to inform us and criminals that the criminal will get away with it and the police won't do anything. But then the Met have a communal brain cell and it gets overworked. I was burgled in 1995 and despite having CCTV footage of the guy and a whole host of other identifying features and documents, three weeks later I opened a letter that told me how sorry they were that I had been a victim of crime but there was fuck-all they were "prepared" to do.

Meanwhile, if you're in Central London, try not to sketch or take photos in Hyde, Green, or St. James Parks. Police will move you on implying that you are a security threat, and will give you a nice little caution slip just so you understand how much of a terrorist they think you might be.

Junkies

[(Anonymous)]

I took a shower, look, got hit with my Powerbook.

http://homepage.mac.com/produkt/files/5ff29674a91e4d2f00f39e089e1c470c-64.html

[charleshatcher.livejournal.com]

Leave expensive items on show in your car, they'll be fine, criminals don't exist, no one ever gets burgled, everyone is good and decent and has an honest job -- Sempreviva! Live forever!

That's not very catchy at all. Hmmm. How about

Act like a prick in a bubble, your bubble's liable to get pricked.

[zelley.livejournal.com]

The shilouette on that sign makes me laugh really really hard. Look at him, he's prancing away carrying a handbag strangely. Someone needs to make pictures for those other slogans, SERIOUSLY!

[mcgazz.livejournal.com]

It worries me that I've used quite a few of the rhymes in this thread in lyrics.