London: a modest proposal

[imomus]

You don't want balance, do you? You don't want me to get all gooey and positive, and tell you what's good about this big filthy glob of urban real estate in the middle of Middlesex, do you? Do you want me to suggest ways London might be better, in my own humble worthless exiled poncey opinion? Do you want modest proposals? You do?

Well, I had a great day in London yesterday, looking round the Central St Martin's degree show on Charing Cross Road, hanging out with art students in Soho Square, meeting up with my old Berlin flatmate Aya and design writer Rick Poynor at the Photographers Gallery Cafe (where there's a really nice show of Iranian photographs on), sitting in The Blue Room Cafe on Bateman Street (an old haunt) then on the steps of Covent Garden market, lying on a strip of sand by the Thames at low tide, walking from the NFT to the Design Museum, watching a spooky full moon rise over the Old Kent Road.

But before I burst into song (Lahndahn, Lahndahn, eels and mash and BA Fine Art!) perhaps I should note that the Photographers Gallery doesn't have air conditioning and got pretty sticky, that the CSM degree show was almost entirely the work of foreign students, that all the food I ate was over-priced and really careless (the ice cream I bought for two pounds fifty was nothing like as good as the Berlin cones I get for 40p, the chille con carne I had for lunch was rubbish, and my Thai takeaway dinner was dessert-sweet), that huddles of businesspeople ruin the riverside walk, that I crossed every road in mortal terror for my life, that sirens screamed all around me, that the place where Tower Bridge Road meets the Old Kent Road is one of the most godforsaken and desolate landscapes this side of the moon, that even the liberal newspapers here seem to delight in bashing the French, that British pop music radio played in public places is a toxic torture, that the decor in the NFT lobby is naff...

Still, the Globe is great, Clink Street is great, Ken Livingstone lord mayor of London is great and his office is pretty, what more can I say? When you're up on the ninth floor of a building on the Charing Cross Road and look out over London it's a delightfully mysterious landscape of odd roof huts, Disney-Dickensian clock towers, ivy, sky, jet planes and pure screaming possibility. It makes me think that all you'd need to do to make London really quite a wonderful place is route all motorised traffic underground, send the businessmen to Birmingham and Hong Kong, install air conditioning everywhere, rip up the grey fitted carpet and install wood floors, change all the food and chefs, half the price of everything, scrap fees for Japanese art students, introduce the euro and ban the journalists from writing about class. Oh, and turn all the TV and radio stations over to the insane.

Comments

[subbes]

even the liberal newspapers here seem to delight in bashing the French

It's somewhat of a pastime.

[polocrunch.livejournal.com]

Minor correction: Livingstone isn't Lord Mayor, he's just plain old Major. The Lord Mayor only represents the City, rather than all of Greater London.

[polocrunch.livejournal.com]

*plain old Mayor.

[fufurasu.livejournal.com]

It makes me think that all you'd need to do to make London really quite a wonderful place is route all motorised traffic underground, send the businessmen to Birmingham and Hong Kong, install air conditioning everywhere, rip up the grey fitted carpet and install wood floors, change all the food and chefs, half the price of everything, scrap fees for Japanese art students, introduce the euro and ban the journalists from writing about class. Oh, and turn all the TV and radio stations over to the insane.

Let's start a petition. I'll sign it. Although I occasionally like Channel 4. Alternatively, we could start a "Momus for PM!" campaign. (Although, if I am projecting correctly, you'd be more comfortable calling for change in London from the comfort of Berlin rather than implementing change from the wall-to-wall-carpeted offices of No. 10.)

[rhodri.livejournal.com]

Yawn.

the Photographers Gallery doesn't have air conditioning and got pretty sticky, that the CSM degree show was almost entirely the work of foreign students, that all the food I ate was over-priced and really careless (the ice cream I bought for two pounds fifty was nothing like as good as the Berlin cones I get for 40p, the chille con carne I had for lunch was rubbish, and my Thai takeaway dinner was dessert-sweet), that huddles of businesspeople ruin the riverside walk, that I crossed every road in mortal terror for my life, that sirens screamed all around me, that the place where Tower Bridge Road meets the Old Kent Road is one of the most godforsaken and desolate landscapes this side of the moon, that even the liberal newspapers here seem to delight in bashing the French, that British pop music radio played in public places is a toxic torture, that the decor in the NFT lobby is naff...

I was about to issue a point by point rebuttal of this ludicrous paragraph, but then I realised you're just trying to wind me up.

My two visits to Berlin in the mid 1990s were amongst the most appalling hours I've spent anywhere. I ate crap food, I sat in shit bars, I got screamed at for crossing the road on a red signal when there was no traffic to be seen, the place I was staying was filthy, etc etc. It wasn't my home, you see. London is my home. I have a pleasant flat. I eat well. I know where to get a decent ice cream. I know which take-aways to avoid. I know which areas of town I shouldn't walk through at 2am wearing an amusing hat. I've mastered the art of the pedestrian crossing. I tolerate people in suits in public places, because they also live in London and are expected to wear suits to work. I know how to spend my time here in an enjoyable fashion, and don't find it difficult - despite being a highly intolerant individual. I've learned to love the Bricklayers Arms flyover that you're so disparaging about. I love the A40(M) arching over Ladbroke Grove, too. I might have opinions about the French that veer in either direction, the same way liberal newspapers do. I love it here. It's my home, you see.

Lucky like St. Momus.

[neil-scott.livejournal.com]

Where do you get decent ice cream from in London?

[spoombung.livejournal.com]

I would also like to register my love for the Bricklayers Arms flyover.

ooh...I'm getting quite sentimental - the traffic - the noise - the concrete...

*blub*

[(Anonymous)]

"I know which areas of town I shouldn't walk through at 2am wearing an amusing hat." Hurrah for Rhodri! And for dear owd Landan an' awl!

[besskeloid.livejournal.com]

I tolerate people in suits in public places

I fancy people in suits in public places. Well, some of them.

[imomus.livejournal.com]

If London were in the dock and I were the prosecuting counsel, I'd call you and the anecdotes you report about the place on your blog as my first and most damning witness, Rhodri!

[jamesward.livejournal.com]

£2.50 for an ice cream? What were you thinking?

[imomus.livejournal.com]

It was vegan, milud. Neal's Yard.

[(Anonymous)]

Amen, Rhodri. Momus, please stop now. You've made your non-point.
Fleeters

PS - www.resonancefm.com

[(Anonymous)]

Momus, you tried hard in London for many years, and essentially London didn't love you back. You wanted John Peel to play your records; he didn't. You wanted to be a pop star. But you never had a hit. You wanted to be an indie star. But the indie scene politely ignored you. If you were the toast of London's arty hispter world right now, you'd probably be writing about what a wonderful, grimy melting pot of a city it was, fuelled by optimism and creative energy. You'd be visiting Berlin and sending dispatches back about how gloomy and pessimistic the ambience was, how derivative the subcultures were, how static the art scene was, how you bought bratwurst at a food stand and it was greasy and horrible, etc., etc.

[automatique.livejournal.com]

Well, I think the irony of this whole thing is how much many people in London do care about Momus' music and ideas - only last week I bumped into someone wearing a Momus t-shirt and an old friend who randomly brought up in conversation the fact that he'd been listening to Momus LPs from the 80s...

Perhaps it's not so comfortable to admit that the hated city still resonates through the 'vicious wit' and chaotic bite of one's art?

[cityramica.livejournal.com]

hm. well i say A for effort.
at least you're leaving soon, and there's lots of good ice cream in New York!

[lord-whimsy.livejournal.com]

DiRoberti's on First avenue has delicious coffeee gelato. And shoals of cannoli.

[dickon-edwards.livejournal.com]

Did you see the photo of myself by Vicki Churchill in the CSM photographers gallery? £575 for a gelatin Dickon. You could buy the real one for a fraction of that price.

Not my first CSM muse appearance either, as you know. Sarah Watson's degree show a couple of years ago featured a library-based portrait of yourself, along with another Whistler's Mother pose of Mr Edwards At Home.

What better way to hang with Momus, I thought at the time.

[kharin.livejournal.com]

There's a very simple way to improve London: it's called demolition. Reading Peter Ackroyd's history of London last year it was certainly very clear to me that London has always been a vile city and that every attempt to improve it (Wren after the great fire being the most famous example) was thwarted.

[automatique.livejournal.com]

So, you would be happy to demolish the Royal parks, Hampstead Heath, Primrose Hill, Alexandra Palace, the Horniman Museum, Broadway Market, Columbia Road, the Lea Valley, Canary Wharf, the new Jubilee Line, Fournier Street and Spitalfields, all the Hawksmoor churches, Tate Modern, Blackheath, Highgate, Bonnington Square, Stoke Newington Church Street and Abney Park Cemetary, the South Bank Centre, Barbican, Laban, Sadlers Wells and everything in South Kensington?

I think that the Peter Ackroyd book actually demonstrates his deep love for the cultural intensity and exuberant variety of the place.

[becki1111.livejournal.com]

Were the Iranian photographs done by Iranians or a specific photographer? What was the theme of the exhibit?

[magnakai.livejournal.com]

Quite frankly (and sadly) unless you know where you're going to eat, you're going to get greasy, overpriced food everywhere in central London. It's a sad fact.

[(Anonymous)]

Ty living in Port Moresby!

Best five

1= Melbourne, Australia

1= Vancouver, Canada

1= Vienna, Austria

4 Perth, Australia

5 Geneva, Switzerland

Worst five

126 Phnom Penh, Cambodia

127 Lagos, Nigeria

128 Dhaka, Bangladesh

129 Karachi, Pakistan

130 Port Moresby, Papua New Guinea

Honky Town

[(Anonymous)]

Momus, you really need to visit Hong Kong again. From your MP3 radio piece, you obviously visited the worst part at the worst time possible. The hovel and grovel of expat business men groping Thai hookers in Wanchai or somewhere similar.

Comparing Hong Kong to Birmingham... if you stuck yourself in a grotty corner of Wanchai looking up at old buildings, I suppose it's possible, but really the place is so much more spectacular than that. It's got (officially!) the most stunning harbour view in the world, it's got lovely modern parts next to fascinating ancient bits, skyscrapers sitting next to the sea and nearby tropical forests...

I don't know, I've been all over Europe, and when I moved to Hong Kong, I found it stunning. The only place that compares in my mind, is Tokyo.

[tarandfeathrhim.livejournal.com]

We saw someone who looked just like you on the bus in Seattle last week. He had your face, your hair, your clothes, and, quite naturally, your eye patch.

Have you been splitting into pieces recently?

[(Anonymous)]

he was also spotted wandering around the degree shows at CSM Southampton Row - forget about the student's work, what did you think of the Lethaby Arts and Crafts movement building Nick?

New York performance?

[(Anonymous)]

A bit of an aside from all the Anglo-debating - Momus is there any chance you plan on performing in New York during your visit here? I'd love to see you play.

[concrete-tiger.livejournal.com]

When I go into Chicago proper (I live in the suburbs), I am torn between wanting to lay face down on the sidewalk with my arms extended at my sides in order to hug the whole beautiful city, and straight-up road rage after a drive during which many times I felt I should abandon my car in order to join the often faster pedestrian traffic. Perhaps I am not missing a great deal in London. As for the food and the chefs, I count at least 7 Indian restaurants, for example, within a 15-minute drive. Also we collect the empty boxes from our pizza restaurants here and send them to other cities where restaurants serve them as actual pizza. Please visit again some time. (I was introduced to you at a gig some years ago when you supported Belle and Sebastian.)

[butterflyrobert.livejournal.com]

Last I was in London, I saw more Indian restaurants than likly exist in all of India.

[butterflyrobert.livejournal.com]

Goodness forbid Momus provide opinion in a livejournal! Perish the thought! I can't believe people are whining so much. I think San Antonio, Texas is the epitome of shit-ness, but I don't expect a crowd of Texans to attempt to debate me on the factuality of my opinion. And if they did, would it be any less absurd?

disagree to agree

[(Anonymous)]

Though I agree with you for the most part. Everyday NYC can be anywhere USA. At it's core, New York is afterall, an American city adn you're average American just like your average German or Swiss or whomever is exactly that, average. Though I've lived in France and know they take pride in life's better things (good food, wine, family), the better things in life (authenticity) exist here you just have to know where to find it. Bedford aveneue if way over. Like the rest of this cities "named" neighborhoods it has been established, commodified and packaged for the consumer or renter. It has become no different then anywhere NYC, cultural cheap. Try exploring the way outter boroughs. I'm sure you will find them more stimulating. Go to the Russian discos in Brighton Beach, the old Italian's in Bensonhurst and try their cheeses and homemade wines. Go to the South Bronx, to the markets and buy African goat heads and live chickens. Pure things exist here, but they aren't in neighborhood's that sell vintage t-shirts and designer furniture. They exist in the other parts of New York. The neighborhoods where new people arrive every year and bring their culture with them. These days they seem to be Albanians, Africans and West Indians. They are just part of the few that make up the other part of New York. The worldly part. Though there are interesting parts to Williamsburg and Manhattan, the hip New Yorkers, Europeans, South Americans and Asians, who really don't differ that much, who enhance the city in their own ways, through nightlife, art, music, etc. I find the "average" immigrant and their not yet commodified culture and neighborhoods to be endlessly interesting. In short, go a little further out and you'll find what you're looking for, at least foodwise.