imomus

I wonder if this is a generational thing. I notice it more in baby boomers (and you would be a tail-end boomer or elder Gen Xer in my mind) who are involved in arts and culture (profs, artists, media personalities) than in my generation (somewhere between X and Y). They seem more concerned with being able to "characterize" the reader, the listener, the audience member. They get annoyed if you don't give them enough of yourself to work with. When I was younger, I used to appreciate and embrace this "character-driven" approach to interpersonal relations. Over time, I lost faith in its value and power. I think what disappointed me was the feeling that "character" is not enough, that I had to offer more utilitarian or tailored value to people, sometimes to the point of total self-effacement. So for some time I've been torn, stuck in between. The inverted narcissist, perhaps. I am on the verge of deciding that I can't keep going that way, and need to just accept that I possess a certain amount of self-involvement, instead of trying to become a different, less self-interested person that I would consider "better" than me.

Your narcissism, such as it is, is the basis of your power to support yourself financially. You never traded self-involvement for being just a skill set for hire. You could probably have continued in music as a producer or engineer or instrumentalist, or made a living doing less personality-driven journalism. In fact, I might even have preferred that Momus to the one who traded one platform/forum (records) for another (blogging, conceptual art). But so be it. You have a lot to be proud of and pleased with, having been rather true to yourself right up to the present moment.