I wish I hadn't shaved off my hair!

[imomus]

1. Every few years I shave my head. The first time I did it was when I was 26, and had just signed to Creation. I wanted to look harder, less bourgeois. The next time I did it was when I was 33. You can see it on the Pierre et Gilles Timelord cover. There was another shave when I was 40 and living in New York, and another four years later. I did it again this weekend.

2. It's not like you suddenly say to yourself "I know, I want to look bald!" or "I want to resemble Namihei, the father in Sazae-San!" But sometimes you get the sudden impulse to do it. To shave it all off! For the way it feels!



3. It was really hot and humid last week. Hisae was out at the dentist. I was shaving my stubble with my American electric shaver as usual, going up my sideburns. I went a little further up, then a little further.

4. At this point I should say that Hisae hates men with shaved heads. In fact, she's often told me that if I shave my head again, she'll leave me. So I was taking a risk. I'd have some explaining to do.

5. Nevertheless, I couldn't help pushing the warm, oiled, buzzing shaver further across the side of my head. The resulting fuzz felt so cool, so smooth! My heavy, hot hair fell to the floor soundlessly. It felt reckless, transgressive!



6. I played around with half-shaved styles for a while. Ha ha ha! Mohican! Bald uncle! Blind nutter!

7. When Hisae got back from the dentist, she was truly appalled. "I'm going to leave you!" she screamed. "That looks horrible! Who are you? Are you a monk?"

8. "Well, at least other girls won't like me now!" I said. "Yes, and neither will I!" retorted Hisae.

9. We eventually negotiated that I would wear Curly Carl, my performance wig, until my hair grew back.

10. We went out that evening to see Ben Butler and Mousepad play at Madame Claude's. I wore the wig. People looked at me very strangely. But they do that anyway.



11. When we got home, Hisae was in a more conciliatory mood. "The wig makes you look like you have cancer. It's okay not to wear it. I'll just wait patiently for your hair to return."

12. I both hate my new shave and love it.

13. Good points: It feels really nice and fresh. I feel streamlined, and I can feel excess heat just evaporating effortlessly away through the top of my head.

14. Bad points: It's really difficult to look good with a shaved head. I don't like how it looks, and I like even less how it's going to look in a couple of months, as it grows out. See the photo above with Kumi Okamoto, for instance. It's at that horrible standy-uppy phase. It'll be doing that in about three months from now.

15. My hair has been thinning for at least the last ten years. It's happening very, very slowly, but every time I shave my head I wonder "Will it grow back?" Each time it does I'm pleasantly surprised, even if it's clearly thicker in some areas than others.

16. I don't really like the hairline or the head shape a shave reveals: I have a pronounced widow's peak and a double crown.

17. Men try to compensate for having no hair by growing a big bead or wearing interesting spectacles (the red "Buggles" ones above belong to Emma Balkind), but they always just look like... men trying to compensate for having no hair.

18. On the other hand, lots of people have a ton of hair and still look crap. Yes!

19. In a sense, waiting for hair to grow back is condemning yourself to months of unhappiness with your own appearance. Was that spontaneous decision to shave really worth those months of pain?

20. At the same time there's something energising and delightful about a shaved head. It feels so good, so prickly, under your palm! People love to touch it! It's -- literally, if not stylistically -- cool!



21. I also notice that the times I've had a shaved head tend to correspond to times I've had a surprising amount of success with women. Even if I thought I looked bad, something seemed to appeal. I think one reason might be that when you have a shaved head you look like a huge, erect, walking penis. That works, you know, subliminally on women. When they look at you, something deep in their subconscious says "Penis!"

22. Despite the obvious compensation of "looking subliminally like a huge erect walking penis", I wish I hadn't shaved off my hair! Oh well, it'll grow back. Possibly.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Too bad I'd look like a nazi if I shaved my head completely bald. That I live in an area (northern saxony-anhalt) that has its issues with these people doesn't help a lot.
Super-short hair plus a few stubbles above the lips and on the chin might work though...

[(Anonymous)]

Have to agree with Hisae. You look dreadful. The Michael Stipe look makes you look like you have some terminal wasting disease.

[geeveecatullus.livejournal.com]

Now I am tempted to shave my head, too!

[cargoweasel.livejournal.com]

As someone who has been going bald since the age of twenty six, I just trim it really short and let the bald spots shine. It's like halfway between shaved to the skin and that standy-uppy phase you talk about (which is when I generally go get it trimmed again)

And I wear more hats.

[imomus.livejournal.com]

Yeah, every time I look at Stipe I can't help thinking "What a handsome man... if only he weren't bald!"

[(Anonymous)]

I don't care how bald you are, I would still let you straddle me and stroke your huge penis until you spattered cum all over my beautiful face, while we listened to one of your albums and you hummed along.

[imomus.livejournal.com]

There's always the paint-by-numbers approach taken by Korean fashion guru André Kim:

17. Men try to compensate for having no hair by growing a big bead or wearing interesting spectacles

[(Anonymous)]

If you just leave it, most men end up with a lot of hair on their face and less on their head. Hair naturally migrates south as you grow older.

Incidentally, have you ever allowed your beard to grow longer than stubble? I think you'd really suit it. It looks very dignified.

[(Anonymous)]

It's not going to be pretty when you're finally too bald to do anything but shave your head. Or maybe you'll go down the Berlusconi route.

My Dad had hair a bit like yours, very slowly thinning for years. Then in his mid-fifties it suddenly all fell out.

Re: 17. Men try to compensate for having no hair by growing a big bead or wearing interesting specta

[imomus.livejournal.com]

For some reason my beard comes through very coarse and prickly. It's agony to lie in bed, like resting your chin on a hedgehog.

[cargoweasel.livejournal.com]

I am totally picking up a Sharpie on the way home, thanks for the idea!!!

[(Anonymous)]

you're making it very easy for Twit Opera

[imomus.livejournal.com]

I'm pencilling you in for Thursday, 3pm, Jim. Unless of course Hisae doesn't leave me.

[imomus.livejournal.com]

I write all their best material.

For some reason my beard comes through very coarse and prickly. It's agony to lie in bed, like resti

[(Anonymous)]

The first couple of months or so is tough apparently but once it's grown through it's very soft and pleasant for the woman in your life.

[(Anonymous)]

aha, the truth is out!

[cap-scaleman.livejournal.com]

Human penis momus, I got Yximalloo's Unpop in the mail yesterday and it slightly reminds me of the music made by Monsquaz (http://monsquaz.dmusic.com/music/).

[magick-temple.livejournal.com]

Well, I seem to be in a minority as usual but i think it suits you. You certainly look better than Stipe. Then again, of course, Hisae's opinion is rather more important than mine.

I actually think the standy-uppy phase looks pretty good on you too.

I'm with Hisae on the wig though... that looks dreadful.

[(Anonymous)]

Rest easy, Mr. Cargo. There are exciting developments in the fields of hair regeneration (mostly genetics), for example the bio tech start-up Follica (http://www.follicabio.com/).

I wouldn't be suprised if baldness is a problem of the past in ten years. (Though products that are "only five years away" are a running gag in the hair-loss-mourning community!)

Oh, and Momus there's actually an interesting method akin to André Kim's burlesque one. It's called "hair tatooing"! (http://www.histylhair.com/gallery.html)

[lord-whimsy.livejournal.com]

The Patrick McDonald of Korea.

[imomus.livejournal.com]

Hello Cap!

Nice piece of "failed design", that music!

big penises

[(Anonymous)]

Jesus H. Christ Twit Opera cracked me up today. Yes, you gave that to them on a silver platter.

Also:
"a surprising amount of success with women"

I don't think it has anything to do with phallic imagery. It's one of two
a) 26 and 33 are good ages for a man when it comes to sexual conquest. 40 less so, but had a brush with fame so...
b) Shaved heads were still somewhat in vogue the last times you did it. Not so much now. Not at all in fact.

[(Anonymous)]

Momus, I did the same thing last month for pretty much the same reasons that you stated, and I also regret it! My hair has been falling out fast the last few years, so as it grows back it becomes painfully obvious how much hair I have lost. I'm afraid that a shaved head will be the norm for me in a few years.

Re: big penises

[imomus.livejournal.com]

you gave that to them on a silver platter

Don't you mean "you gave that to yourself on a silver platter", since the truth that I write it is now out?

[kumakouji.livejournal.com]

You shouldn't shave your hair so close to the scalp, it's unflattering on nearly everyone. Let your hair grow to about 6mm (that'll take a few weeks) before you decide you hate it shaved.

"17. Men try to compensate for having no hair by growing a big bead or wearing interesting spectacles (the red "Buggles" ones above belong to Emma Balkind), but they always just look like... men trying to compensate for having no hair."

Hm, I hope I don't... My hair's been thinning since my early 20s but I'm OK with it. It's shaved But I secretly want to be this guy:



When I saw you at the Architectural Association, I got to see you in 3D. Your hair is a bit of a comb-over, especially at the back, from what I saw. It was wispy and aged you considerably... from the back. If I were you, I would just shave my head and embrace the thinning, but not so close next time. I also think that whilst your head is shaved you should try to grow a proper beard. Think of it this way -- if you dont like it you can get rid of it in an instant and seeing as you're already growing out your hair, why not take this opportunity to do the beard thing properly?